In Therapy
by donna2712
Summary: Tony accidentally admits to McGee that he is in therapy early in season 7 and this is my take on those sessions. Starting from Season 7 Episode 1 I will explore Tony's character past and future through his sessions with Dr Barbra Dawson. These can be read as one shots but will following through the series from Season 7 until now.
1. Chapter 1 - Session 1 (pt 1)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own NCIS nor do I profit from this story.

**AN: ** In season 7 Tony admits (accidentally) to McGee that he has a therapist and it made me wonder how long he has gone and why. This is my take on that. I will be following cannon as much as I can but some things will be my imagination such as my take on the death of his mother. I also believe Tony suffers from a mild form of Borderline Personality Disorder but not sure if I will diagnose him or not.

If you are interested in reading any further, I am thinking of doing this as a series of one shots based on each therapy session following episodes of the series starting from Ep 1 Season 7. Due to Tony's workload there might be gaps between each session of up to a month especially following episodes where there is not much development of Tony's character.

I am happy to receive any comments including anything you may want me to concentrate on as his "therapist".

**Session 1: October 29 2009 7:00 PM**

Tony walked into the waiting room, flicked the switch as instructed and took a seat. The room was small but tastefully decorated in dark browns and beige, with a soft leather couch, dark timber coffee table with the obligatory magazines on top, and a few abstract paintings on the wall. Tony looked at a few of the magazine titles but decided against reading any.

Sighing he asked himself for the hundredth time today "_What an I doing! Why am I here?" _Making up his mind Tony stood to high tail it out of there and just as he got to the door he heard the door to the inner office open. Turning he felt somewhat like a deer in the headlights. It was quite obvious he was about to leave but the Doctor simply smiled and stood back making a motion for him to come in to the room.

"_That's it, she thinks I am nuts … well obviously she thinks I am nuts otherwise I wouldn't be here."_ Taking a deep breath he stepped forward and into the therapists office for the first time.

The room had similar colour scheme to outside but the colours were accented somewhat warmer shades of maroon. Her office was spacious with a large timber desk and leather high back chair at one end, and a sitting area consisting of a leather armchair and couch large enough to seat two people comfortably. Between the chairs was another large coffee table with a file, notebook and a large box of tissues on it. There was also a small kitchenette with a rather impressive espresso machine and small bar fridge. Next to that was what Tony assumed to be the exit door.

"Please, have a seat," she said indicating the sitting area.

"Well that isn't big enough to lie down on?" Tony said with his most charming smile.

"I can throw a pillow on the floor if that makes you more comfortable Mr DiNozzo," she responds with a smile of her own.

"No, I can sit. Sitting's fine."

"Would you like anything to drink? Coffee, tea, water?"

"Whisky?" Tony winces at his own attempt at humour realising that a psychologist was probably _not_ the best person to make that joke to. "Sorry, joking. I'm fine thank you doctor." Tony took a seat and made himself comfortable. Well as comfortable as he could, considering the circumstances, but he _looked_ comfortable and that was what counted.

"I am not that formal here, just call me Barb." Dr Barbra Dawson was an attractive woman in her late 50's who reminded Tony somewhat of Susan Sarandon but less intimidating. She took a seat in the armchair and picked up the notepad.

"So, what brings you here today Mr DiNozzo?" And so it begins.

Putting on his most charming smile he replies, "Please, call me Tony."

"OK, _Tony_, what brings you here today?"

Tony stopped to think. What exactly did bring him here today? His mind was a whirlwind of competing images and thoughts that he didn't know how to put into words or even where to start. "I'm not sure really, I haven't done this since I was a kid, apart from the work Psych Evals of course." She nods, starts jotting down some notes and waits for him to continue. "I just have all these thoughts going around in my head and I can't get them straight I guess."

"OK, well how about we start with you telling me a bit about yourself. When Dr Mallard asked if I would be able to see you he told me you were a colleague. You work at NCIS too I assume?"

"Yes. I am a Senior Field Agent with them. Ducky didn't tell you anything else?" Tony was quite surprised by that considering the MEs propensity for story telling.

Raising an eyebrow her response was a mysterious, "That for me to know any you to find out. So what exactly does a Senior Field Agent with NCIS do?"

"Well NCIS investigate crimes involving members of the Navy or Marines and the Senior Field Agent is the second in command of the team. Technically my job is to ensure that the rest of the team are doing their job, that procedures are followed and compile and report findings to the Team Leader. I also am in charge of training Probationary Agents in all aspects of the investigations and responsible for performance reviews of the Probies."

Without looking up from her notebook Barb asks, "Why do you say 'technically'?"

"Well, I suppose the team has been together so long now that everyone knows their job, knows the procedures and we all report our findings to Gibbs," Shrugging his shoulders he says, "so it's just a title really."

"So, you are no longer satisfied with your job, is that it?"

"What, no, no! Not at all, I love my job, love my team mates. No, my job isn't why I am here. Well not directly I don't think."

"OK then, what sort of crimes do you investigate?"

"I am on the MCRT which is the Major Crimes Response Team and we investigates all the big ones. We do terrorist threats, homicides, any major assaults or attacks, major thefts. That sort of thing."

"Sounds exciting."

"Yeah, it has its moments I suppose." Tony looked down and started clearing off imaginary lint from his suit pants. Something about his job was definitely bothering the man, despite his protests to the contrary. Barb decided to change tack for a bit.

"So, what else is there to know about Tony DiNozzo?" She asked jotting down some notes on her pad.

"Not much really, I am 41, single, work too much and love to watch movies."

"Single, so you are not seeing anyone?"

"Nope, not seeing anyone." Tony was smiling politely but Barb didn't miss the micro expression that flitted across his face first. Disappointment? Regret? Yearning maybe?

"I would imagine a handsome man such as yourself would have a bevy of beauties beating down your door," Barb said with a smile.

Throwing his head back and laughing, "Wow, bevy of beauties, really Barb! No I have not had any door beating for quite some time now. But thank you for that ego boost, I needed that."

"And why do you need the boost?"

Tony looked across at the doctor and asked with a smirk "Ah, trying to trick me are you Doc?"

"No tricks Tony, why do you need the boost?" Barb studied Tony as he had an internal battle with himself. The fact he was about the leave when she opened the office door and his subtle emotional masking proved he was not quite ready to trust her just yet. Leaning forward she spoke gently to him, "Tony, _you_ came to me because you needed to talk and straighten out some things. I can't help you unless you are completely honest with me. I know it is hard to place your trust in someone you don't know but I assure you that anything you say or do will not leave this room. It's in the vault if you will."

"Seinfeld reference. Nice!" Tony took time and considered her words carefully and then he seemed to come to a decision. Tony gave a small nod of his head and straightened in his seat. "OK, I suppose I need the boost because things haven't been going so well in that department recently. I seem to have hit a dry patch."

"And why is that do you think?"

Sighing, "I don't know, I haven't been on my game lately. Don't seem to have the drive I used to. I mean the drive to meet women that is, not my sex drive, my sex drive is _just_ fine. Well I assume it is that is." This bought a smile to Barb's face. Humour was definitely a way to bond with Tony. "I guess I am just sick of dating nameless women. I think I am growing up."

"Ouch, scary!"

"I KNOW! Right!"

"So you have preferred to have short term relationships with these 'nameless' women over something more meaningful. Is that right?"

"Yeah, I suppose. I mean obviously they are not 'nameless', I just didn't really bother learning them if I was going to leave before morning."

"So there have been no significant relationships in your life?"

"There have been a couple, but neither ended well."

Tony was showing obvious signs of discomfort with where this conversation could lead and was avoiding eye contact by looking around the room, no doubt searching for a change in topic. That wasn't going to wash with Barb so of course she asked, "Why don't you tell me about them."

"How did I know you were going to ask that? Shrinks are so predictable, you guys really need to come up with some new material." Barb refused to take the bait, simply looking at Tony and waiting him out. "Ok fine I'll tell you, but they are not the reason I came here. They're old news."

"So you don't think your past has any bearing on your present?" she asked.

"Well yes, I mean …. " he said, almost stumbling over his words, "I suppose it does to some extent but what's done is done, nothing I can do to change the past so I need to look forward, that's all."

"But if you don't address your errors of the past aren't you just likely to make the same mistakes again?"

The sudden look of anger on Tony's face was quite striking considering all the smiles to this point, "What makes you think _I_ made the mistakes?"

Barb took a moment to make some notations before continuing in the same calm tone. "Everybody makes mistakes Tony, it is human nature to be imperfect." Again Barb gave pause to allow Tony to gather his thoughts. "So, how about you tell me about these relationships from the past that can't be changed."

Tony shrugged and rolled his eyes, "Fine, I was engage to a girl when I was in my early 30's but we broke up before the wedding. I haven't spoken to her since. Then there was someone I met while undercover but that was never going to work. She fell in love with my undercover persona and not me. When she found out she left and I only saw here one time since then, and let's just say that meeting _didn't_ go well."

"What happened?"

"She accused me of murdering her father." Tony looked up to see Barb raising a nervous eyebrow, "I didn't do it, you can relax. She falsely accused me … long story and partly classified."

"O… K … I would definitely say that fits the definition of 'didn't go well'," Barb responded. "That must have been a very stressful situation for you."

"Not one of my best days, but sadly not one of my worst either," Tony responded with a wistful smile.

"OK, so you have had one major relationship, one relationship that was built on false pretences, and nothing but short term and one night stands in between. You say you no longer have the drive for these sorts of relationships, so what is it that you want? Are you ready to try for a more permanent relationship?"

Tony sighed, "I think so but I just can't see that happening any time soon though."

"And why is that?"

"Women don't seem to stick around me for long."

Frowning Barb asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well the longest relationship I have had with a woman is with a co-worker. Abby has been in my life for almost 9 years now and that beats the previous record by a year."

"And who held the previous record, your fiancé?"

"No my mother."

"So your mother…?" She left the question hanging as she didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"Died, when I was eight."

Barb stopped writing at this stage and looked at Tony, "I'm sorry to hear that Tony. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

She could see Tony's jaw clench and a tenseness in his shoulders that was not there before. However, he put on a somewhat sad smile and responded, "She committed suicide. Alcohol, sleeping pills and slit her wrists."

"That must have been very upsetting to lose your mother at such a young age."

"It wasn't great. She was still alive when I found her but she had taken too many pills so by the time they got her to hospital she was in a coma. Died a couple of days later."

"You found her?"

She could see Tony was struggling and he only responded with a quiet, "yeah."

Barb didn't want to push this just yet as it was obviously still a very painful memory for Tony. She hoped to come back to it another time, if he decided to come back. For now she asked, "What about your father? Was he with you when you found her?"

"Nope, he was in London on business." Tony didn't expand on that so she decided to push a bit further.

"He travelled often when you were young?"

"You could say that. Still does as far as I know."

"You aren't in contact with him anymore?"

Tony shrugged, "We talk on the phone maybe twice a year for about five or ten minutes but that is it. Last time I saw him was about six years ago when I was in New York for a work conference. Caught up for dinner with him and his latest wife. Dinner consisted of great steak, copious amounts of alcohol and little by way of conversation."

"Did you have a falling out?"

"Nope, we just never really got along. After mum died our relationship deteriorated and he started drinking more and more. I don't think he really knew what to do with a grieving eight year old"

"What about before your mother died? Did you get on well then?"

"From what I can remember I think we were a semi normal happy family. Well as happy as you can be with an alcoholic depressive mother that is. I don't remember too much really but there were a few moments that we all seemed happy at the same time."

"Your mother was an alcoholic?"

"I think so, I mean I always remember her with a drink in her hand and she did some weird stuff too."

"Like?"

"She used to make me dress up in a sailor suit whenever we had company, and my bedroom was decorated in some Louis the fourteenth theme which gave me nightmares about vampires. Spent more nights asleep in my cupboard then my bed after she first did it. I don't think she really understood that a kid just wanted toys and bed to jump on. The DiNozzo's were all about image and opulence."

"Sounds like you missed out on some kid time growing up."

"It wasn't all bad. She was weird and sad but sometimes she was just really sweet and loving. My favourite time was when she would play the piano in the parlour. She had this huge grand piano and when I was tiny I would grab my teddy and lie on the floor under the piano and listen to her for hours." Tony's face had a soft smile, obviously lost in the memory of his mother. "She tried to teach me but I just kept mucking up and making her laugh so she got someone else in to teach me. That wasn't as fun though because the teacher would hit me on the knuckles with a ruler when I got the notes wrong. After she died I stopped playing for a long time." Tony paused lost in thought, "We did go to the movies a lot. Even Dad would come with us when he was in town. One of the few things we did as a family actually. After mum died I spent a lot of time on my own and would watch any movie that the TV stations played. Later I would get into trouble at school for sneaking out after dark to go to the movies."

"Why were you at school after dark?"

"I was sent to boarding school from the age of 12. It made sense I suppose considering how much dad travelled."

"So between the age of eight and twelve it was just you and your dad?"

"And the maids, and the nannies and the gardeners … we had a large staff. There ware also a couple of new mummies thrown in for good measure too. I think step mummy number two was the driving force behind me going to boarding school."

"How many times has your father remarried?"

Tony let out a bitter laugh, "Wow, that's a hard one. I think he is up to number 4. Maybe it is 5. Will have to get back to you on that one Doc."

Whilst these were obviously painful memories and needed further examination, Barbra really wanted to find out the reason Tony was here now. If these were his main issues he would have sought counselling earlier. There was obviously something recent that has caused the emotional turmoil he described earlier.

"OK, so you mentioned that your longest female relationship has been with your work mate …" she refers back to her notes, "Abby was it?" Tony nods to indicate she was correct. "Are you close to Abby?"

Tony shrugs, "We're good friends but we are not romantic or anything, she is more like a little sister, which is strange because she is actually the same age as me."

"What about your other work colleagues, are you close to any of them?"

"Oh god yeah, they are like family to me. Well probably better than family considering the dysfunctional parents I just told you about. I don't know what I would do without them." At this point, Tony leans forward with his elbows on his knees and starts to play with his nails. Quietly he says, "Thought we had lost one until a week ago. I guess that's really why I am here."

_Finally,_ Dr Dawson thinks. It has taken a while but she finally feels she might be on the verge of finding out Tony's true motivation for seeking her help. She remains quiet hoping Tony will say more on his own so she can gauge what is troubling the man. When it was obvious Tony was lost in his own thoughts and wasn't rushing to discuss the matter, Barb tried to prompt him, "What happened?"

Tony's only response was one word, "Somalia."


	2. Chapter 2 - Session 1 (pt 2)

**AN: ** My apologies for the delay in updating this but as a single mum of two young kids time is a precious commodity and not easily come by. In relation to the comments about my suggestion of BPD I agree that is probably a stretch so I won't be getting into anything like that. I hope you enjoy this and please feel free to send me any comments or idea you would like to me address.

**Session 1: October 29 2009 7:00 PM (Pt 2)**

"What is Somalia?" Barb asked Tony after a few minutes of silence.

"Country in the north of Africa, famous for terrorists and pirates, but not the cool Johnny Depp type pirates, or even the old fashioned Errol Flynn type, more your board your ship and hold you at gun point type pirates. They really don't have the flare for the dramatic these days. Don't even fly a scull and crossbones anymore…."

"Tony!" Barb broke into Tony's rambling thoughts. "Please don't deflect. Tell me what happened."

"OK," Tony took a breath and began his story, " Well our problem was not of the pirate kind but of the terrorist kind. A couple of months ago we found out that a ship called the Damocles, carrying one of our former team mates had gone down of the coast of Somalia during a storm. We were told there were no survivors. Anyway, Ziva… That's her, Officer Ziva David… had been looking into suspected terrorist cells in Somalia for Mossad and had boarded the ship sometime in July on the way to take down a cell lead by a guy named Saleem … nice guy for a terrorist, had a chat, but I will get to that. Anyway, we were told the ship went down and we decided we were going to take down Saleem and finish what Ziva started. That was the plan anyway. So we hatched a genius plan, if I do say so myself, and McGee and I … sorry Tim McGee another member of the team … we ended up being taken captive by this dude… on purpose, all part of the plan of course … and everything was going well until he bought someone into the room and lifted the bag off their head and there she was, Ziva," Tony paused, once again lost in thought. Barb continued to write her notes but waited patiently for him to continue.

Tony continued telling his story but it sounded more like a trip to the zoo rather than an anti terrorist plot, "So that was a pleasant surprise but it didn't change things too much. Saleem was taken out by our boss, Gibbs, who was a marine sniper, the cavalry came riding in and Tim, Ziva and I got the hell out of there. All in all, a successful little operation. Even received a round of applause when we got home. Yay us."

Barb sat back and had a look at her patient. This was by no means the full story and left her with more questions than the story answered. She just needed to work out the best questions to ask to get to the crux of her patient's problem. She just didn't know what that problem was. Was it PTSD? There definitely seemed to be some disassociation in the way the story was told.

"You say you were taken captive by this Saleem person," Tony nodded his assent, "how long were you held for?"

"A few days, not long."

"And how were you treated during this time?"

"Well it wasn't like staying at the Four Seasons," Tony laughed but there was nothing humorous about it. He shrugged, "but it could have been worse."

"Were you tortured?"

Tony smirked slightly, "Well I suppose that depends on your definition of torture now doesn't it. What happened to us was nothing compared to what happened to her."

"Her?"

"Ziva! I mean, Tim and I were there for 3 days, but she was there for over 3 months. Saying I was tortured would be like someone with a paper cut complaining about how much it hurt to someone who had an arm ripped off. It just doesn't compare."

"But still, _you_ can't experienced someone _else's_ pain, only your own. You shouldn't ignore_ your_ pain because it was less than hers, you need to examine your own experience."

Tony shook his head, "Seriously Barb, it was nothing, they employed sleep deprivation tactics, withheld food and water and lets just say potty time was pretty gross. They landed a few well-placed punches and kicks, more so to McGee than me. But seriously I've experienced worse days at work. He wanted information about what NCIS was and why we were there and he got that with drugs, not pain."

Barb wasn't sure if the way he disregarded his treatment was a testament to his strength or his weakness. She continued forward regardless but noted his attitude to his abuse.

"Drugs?"

"Yeah, had a home recipe for a pretty powerful truth serum. You know you are told in training that there_ is_ such a thing, but it is kind of considered old school, or a bit of a stretch in it's truth telling capabilities, nothing like in the movies you know, but I got to tell you, this stuff …It worked! Didn't matter how hard I tried to not answer, or tell him a lie, but I just had to tell him what he wanted. It was a weird sensation, it was like my mind and mouth weren't connected anymore. Like someone else was telling my mouth what to say while my brain was yelling _'shut up you idiot'._ Can't say I was a fan let me tell you."

"I imagine someone like you would find that very frustrating," she stated.

"Someone like me? What's that supposed to mean?" A frown caused a dangerous look on his handsome face. Barb found these flashes of emotion fascinating and quite telling about the man inside.

"It's just that you appear to be someone who likes to be in control of the situation and especially the conversation. I just imagine not being in control like that would have been frustrating."

"Oh, well, yeah it was," Tony smirked all irritation at her previous statement forgotten (or hidden), "although I was kind more worried about what I was saying to Ziva than to Saleem. I mean I knew he was going to get a bullet between the eyes anytime, but Ziva, well she was coming back with us and if I said the wrong thing to her then I could expect a slow and excruciatingly painful death."

"And what _did _you say to Ziva?" Barb was starting to think Tony's issues were not with the situation, but the people.

There was a slight hesitation from Tony before he answered, and Barb suspected this was not the first answer to cross his mind. She made a note.

"I told her not to ask anything she didn't want to know the answer too because I was doped up on truth serum. Must have worked because she has barely said two words to me ever since." Tony's face remained neutral but his eyes showed a flicker of pain or resentment before his mask was completely secured in place.

"She wasn't appreciative of the team's efforts to rescue her?" Barb asked surprised.

"Oh no, she was but she was pretty out of it by the time we got to her. I mean she'd given up on any chance of rescue, given up on survival really. Then all of a sudden there I was and before she knew it her captives were dead, she was dragged out of her prison, and then we had the plane ride home and she had to go to hospital and stayed there for a while, it must have been pretty overwhelming 24 hours for her. She's been home recovering and I suppose she has just needs to have time to herself. Like I say she was held for a long time and I don't even want to think about what they did to her in that time. She just needs time, and she'll call when she is ready I'm sure." Tony looked down and played with the invisible lint speck on his pants again.

There were a few things about this story that were bothering Barb so she referred back to some of her notes. "You say Ziva was on her way to Somalia for Mossad, why then was it your team that rescued her and not them?"

A bitter laugh fell from Tony's mouth but there was definitely no humour in it, "Well that is the question isn't it. You would think that the Director of Mossad would move heaven and earth to save his daughter or at least try and recover her body, but no, apparently if something goes wrong in the Mossad world it is as if you never existed. Sorry, did I forget to mention that Ziva is the daughter of the Mossad Director? I guess I did." There was definitely no mask in place now and Barb could see clearly the bitterness and distaste he felt for the situation. "He is a piece of work that one let me tell you. Not a fan to be honest, but then he pretty much hates me too so we are even." Tony shook his head, "How could he just leave her out there without even trying to see if she survived. She deserves better than that."

"Sounds like she does have better than that." Barb couldn't help but notice the slight blush in Tony's cheeks before he straightened again.

"Yeah well, at least _we_ have her six which is more than I can say for him."

Barb referred back to her notes again and asked, "You said she was your _former_ team mate, why was she no longer on your team?"

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his chair and cleared his throat, "Well Barb, that is a long, complicated and again classified story."

"We still have time, and you can talk your way around the classified parts I am sure." Barb tilted her head and decided to go for broke. "Is Ziva the reason you came to see me?"

"What? No! I mean, she's part of it sure, but you know, she's part of my team, she's my partner, but I have a stressful job and I just needed to talk about it you know, it isn't just about Ziva," Tony's wide-eyed denial told Barb all she needed to know. _Bingo!_ As much as Tony wanted to deny it, Ziva was obviously a large part as to why he was here. Now all he needed to do was admit it to himself.

"OK then, tell me why she was no longer on your team."

Sighing, Tony realised he wasn't going to get out of this, "Fine, I killed her boyfriend. Now I know you are going to read a _whole lot_ into that aren't you."

Barb eyebrows shot up and now it was her turn to stare wide-eyed, "Please tell me there is more to this story that isn't classified and if not should I be calling 911?"

Tony laughed, "No need to call 911, I've been cleared of any wrong doing by both my government and Mossad. One of the reasons Director David doesn't like me."

"So you were falsely accused of murder by one woman, and you actually admitted to killing the boyfriend of another woman, how could I possibly read more into that than meets the eye?"

Tony couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity that was his life. "Yeah not the best track record, and that doesn't even include the time I was framed for murder by someone else."

Barb raised an eyebrow and her only comment was, "Wow." Barb was starting to understand his need for all of these masks Tony utilised. Most anyone else would be a blubbering, jittering mess on every sort of anti anxiety and anti depressant medication there was, yet Tony just kept on going. Whilst that was admirable she also new it was dangerous. Everyone had a breaking point. Barb just wondered where his was.

Tony merely smiled and leaned forward with is elbows on his knees and started to explain, "You see, I'm a curious person by nature and when I started to get the feeling that Ziva was seeing someone I wanted to check it out, make sure he was OK and would treat her well, you know, she's was my partner and I'm … protective. Anyway, we were also working with our LA team about a weapon's deal were several people of interest kept turning up dead. Long classified story short, after digging around, I ended suspecting that this guy, Michael, was actually not being completely honest and may have been responsible for the deaths of these people in LA. When I asked Ziva if she has spoken to or seen him recently she told me that she hadn't, but I knew she was lying to me. After we tracked a computer in the case back to her apartment, I went there to confront her to find out what the hell was going on and how much she knew, but she wasn't there and Michael was. I confronted him of course and accusations flew, he accused me of being jealous of he and Ziva, I accused him of international espionage, one thing led to another and I ended up with a broken arm and he ended up dead. I know it sounds pretty impressive on my part but to be honest if this guy hadn't consumed a half bottle of vodka before I got there it would have easily turned out the other way around, except he probably wouldn't have even got a broken arm. You see he and Ziva are Kidon and they are … well they can kill you with a paperclip, or so Ziva keeps threatening me. Anyway, Ziva walked in and all she saw was her nosey partner lying on the floor next to her dead boyfriend who she assumed had an innocent explanation for everything. Things kind of got a bit strained after that." Tony sat back and ran a hand through his hair showing his first signs of fatigue. It had been a long day; hell it had been a long month!

"So my Director and the Director of Mossad, Daddy David, decided between themselves that I should take a trip over to Israel to _'discuss' _the situation. I've got to tell you, I was a little nervous, I mean, I knew I was in the right but the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing kind of has a way of flying out the window when it comes to international intelligence agencies. I knew Gibbs would have my back, but to be perfectly honest I wasn't real sure my own Director completely believed me. I think he was kind of hoping that I would be locked away in an Israeli prison and he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. He's not a fan of me either I don't think. And I sure as hell know Ziva didn't believe me. So Director David and I '_discussed_' the situation and by the end of it, I was proved innocent, Director David was proved to be behind the whole thing and everyone decided it would be best if we all went our own way and pretended that none of this had ever happened." Again bitterness.

"How did Ziva take this revelation?" Barb asked.

"Well, she didn't take it all that well, you see after the whole thing she kind of followed me out of the building, knocked me down and pointed a gun at my chest … so things were still a bit strained between us." Tony sighed again; it seemed to him that he had been sighing a lot this evening. "I mean I get it, she was pissed! I don't blame her. She found out that not only was the guy she was possibly in love with was murdering people in defiance of the laws of the US, but that her Daddy Dearest was the one behind it all. She couldn't take out her frustrations on her boyfriend because he was dead, and she wouldn't take it out on her father because, well he was her father so, lucky me got the brunt of it all. She has never been one to deal with her emotions like a normal human."

"Unlike yourself?"

Tony laughed, "Touché. No I am not one to open up and tell the world my problems, but Ziva takes it to a whole new level."

"So Ziva decided to stay behind did she?"

"Well," Tony frowned, "that's the bit I am not real clear on. All I know is that we were all on the tarmac with out bags ready to fly home, including Ziva, and by the time I walked up the gangway and turned around, Gibbs and Ziva were having a talk and then Gibbs got on and the door closed and … Ziva stayed. I still don't know what they said to each other but I could tell by both of their faces that neither one was happy with the way it worked out."

"And how did you feel about it?"

A look of sadness flitted across his face, "Like it was all my fault. I mean, what if I had tried to show Ziva with the evidence at work rather than go to her place, or what if I had talked to Gibbs about my suspicions. The team was torn apart because of me, and then when we found out she was on that ship. I thought she was dead. I couldn't concentrate at work; I was just going through the motions you know; there but not there; listening but not listening. It was all just a blur and all I could think was it was all my fault that she was dead and I was never going to see her again." Tony dropped his head to his hands, his guilt weighing heavily on his soul.

Barb leaned forward towards the slumped man, "But she wasn't dead, and what her boyfriend did was not your fault, and neither was it your fault that Ziva didn't get on that plane. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and you are not responsible for the decisions made by other people."

Tony looked up with a shy smile, pointing to his head he said, "I know that here," then he pointed to his heart, "but here I have a different opinion."

"It's hard not to feel responsible for those people we care about, but you can only do what you can and the rest is up to them."

Tony nodded his head in agreement, "Yeah I know. It's one of my many charming faults I guess."

Barb looked up at the clock and saw that their time was almost up. She really thought that they had barely scratched the surface of Tony's issues but she was also concerned that pressuring him to return could be a mistake. "Well our time is up but I would really like to talk to you further Tony. Do you think you might want to come back next week?"

"I don't know, my job makes it difficult to keep appointments. Maybe I will just see how the week goes," he trailed off not wanting to commit but not dismissing the idea either.

"I understand so how about this, I will leave every Thursday at 7PM open for you. I work late on Thursdays anyway to catch up on paperwork, so if you can't make it, it's not like I'll be waiting around for you twiddling my thumbs. If you are not here, or you haven't called to say you will be late by quarter past I will assume you can't make it, how does that sound."

"Depends, are you going to charge me if I don't turn up?" Tony asked with a raised eyebrow. "I know you guys have a policy about that sort of thing."

Barb laughed, "No, I won't charge you if you don't come. But seriously Tony, based on what you have told me tonight, I really think you will benefit from having someone to talk to who isn't in _that_ world. Even if you just want to blow off steam about your day then that is OK. An unbiased ear can do wonders for you. Will you consider it?"

Tony sat back and did seriously consider for a moment. He really did feel a bit better than he had when he walked in. And it wasn't as if Barb was suggesting a straight jacket and mind-altering drugs. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all. "Sure why not. I'll give it a go. I can't promise I'll be here every week or even next week but I will try and if I change my mind I promise I will call and let you know."

Barb smiled as she stood up, "That is all I can ask Tony."

Tony also stood and they made their way to the exit door. He turned and extended his hand to Barb, "Thanks, this really wasn't too bad."

"Well I was aiming for 'not horrible' so I have exceeded my own expectations. It was lovely to meet you Tony and I look forward to seeing you again as soon as you can make it."

"Me too, good night Barb," and with that Tony left Dr Dawson's offices and made his way outside into the warm night air.

He was surprised to find that he felt a little lighter than he had for some time. Maybe there was something to this Psychology thing. As he made his way back to his car he actually started to look forward to his next session and actually being able to be open and honest with someone who wouldn't judge him, or wonder what he was up to. Maybe she might even be able to help him drop some of his masks he used with the people he actually cared about. He knew it would take time to overcome his trust issues but for the first time in a long time, he actually felt he was at least headed in the right direction.


End file.
